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  • Suzanna Kempner

Bit Dated

I've never joined a dating website apart from when I joined Tinder for a night as a joke (I swiped 'yes' to everyone and then asked any matches "do you like Dapper Laughs?" to make my friend laugh and it worked because my friend laughed). The reasons for me not joining a dating website are as follows:

1. I don't want to join one and go online dating

That's why I haven't been on an online dating site before. I've heard of some...my friend had great success with Guardian Soulmates so that's one that exists. There's also one called Plenty of Fish that I know about because I was lying that I'd never been on one. I joined Plenty of Fish 2 years ago but I joined as my mum and made a profile for her. I gave her the username GentleOldSoul and her description was "I haven't been on a date since 1976 :(". I think there's another dating site called eHarmony and OK Cupid is also one I have heard of. And there's one called Grindr for gay men.

In short, I had never considered joining a dating site but that all changed a couple of days ago when I found out about one called Beautiful People. It's so great, guys. Basically you join and make a profile and over the next 48 hours all the people on the site vote for whether or not you're hot enough to be a member. If at the end of 48 hours you're deemed too gross to be on the site your application is denied. That way only beautiful people can date each other and the world can be like Gattaca. If ever a website has represented everything I believe in it's this one so I joined immediately. I was very careful with my application because I only had one shot at this and chose a picture that showed I was musical, thin and just a little quirky. I also wrote a description that showed off all my best points.

With that done I knew I just had to sit back and relax for a couple of days and then I'd be in a virtual playground of moviestar and supermodel types. You're given live updates on how your application is doing and things were going pretty great to start with.

A few jealous bitches voted "no" but that's nothing I can't handle. I've had jealous audiences boo me offstage because they were so jealous. The jealous people of Beautiful People would just have to deal with it - Sooz was in town and ready to clean up! My early success though began to fade...

And 12 hours later my dreams were really being crushed....

I decided to remain optimistic, remembering my favourite quote: hope is the last thing to die. With 30 hours left for my fortunes to change I was confident I'd soon be looking at that smorgasbord of top totty. However, I woke up this morning to something troubling.

Why had this happened? Why was my application picture causing them to look in to my profile? I mean, sure, my clarinet body wasn't wearing any clothes in the picture but I see naked clarinets all the time at the BBC Proms and stuff. I suppose that's FINE because the Proms is ART. Elitism strikes again. And then...a terrible blow...

I guess the beautiful people of this world just weren't ready for Sooz. The worst thing is that my application picture used to make me feel strong and powerful but now just makes me feel lonely and sad. Thanks for reading, love from Stupid Sooz.

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