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  • Writer's pictureSuzanna Kempner

Couch to 5k - Week 4

The bloody bathroom’s been being done at home so I’ve been showering elsewhere. This means I have to coordinate my running with when I can get to the elsewhere and rinse which I seriously need coz Week 4 is an ASSHOLE. I’ve been sweating it right up and it’s given me a well nice chest and armpit rash. #foreveralone #onlyinmyleftarmpitthough

Week 4

Day 1: Week 4 steps it up a gear, Laura tells me that as soon as I start the podcast. The program for week 4 is, following that trusty brisk walk, 2 lots of 3 minutes of running, 90 seconds of walking, 5 minutes of running, 2 and a half minutes of walking. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and my Adidas trousers had a mixture of mayonnaise, tea and chocolate on them - basically I was ready to rock. The first 3 minute run was fine but running for 5 minutes without a break proved….sweaty. And get this, Laura told me after my first 5 minute run how to get rid of a stitch. Listen love, I was having them in week 1, it’s a bit late now. This was quite tough. It was really hot and the 5 minute runs felt long. What’s good is Laura piping up to tell you to keep going and letting you know how long there is left. She’s like “keep going, bitch!”. She doesn’t actually say bitch but in my heart I know that’s how she feels.

Day 2: Set off at 10am because this day was set to be a scorcher. Guess what? It was already a scorcher at 10am. Stupid Sooz. It was absolutely roasting and I looked like a hate-beetroot when I got in. Plus I ran past 2 men who were wandering around the backstreets of Horley with their shirts off. At 10am. What is wrong with people? One went “oi oi!” at me and then they both laughed because they had just totally nailed comedy. I saw a lot of men walking around with their shirts off today. They were on the high street, in the supermarket and even in the pound shop. I wish they would wear shirts.

Day 3: I was planning on running mid-afternoon on this cooler day. But something called Wimbledon got in the way. Seriously, Wimbledon, it’s so great. Once Murray had won super-easily I got my running gear on. Then I watched some more Wimbledon. Then Nadal came on to Centre Court with Dustin Brown who is ranked number 102 in the world. What followed was the most entertaining tennis I think I’ve ever seen. It was CRAZY, you guys. Dustin and I are to be married in the fall (that’s American for winter). Finally, after Dustin had wiped the floor with one of the all-time greats, I set off on my run. I thought about how Dustin Brown had spent so much of his 13-year pro tennis career living in a camper van and eating free sandwiches at low-level tournaments and now, at 30, he’s hit the big time and become a sensation. It made me realise that I too would be a champion if I just kept at it and everyone would say “she was driving round in a Hyundai, crying and fixing her shit headphones with duct tape til she was 30, what an inspiration”. I was feeling pretty awesome as I ran but then a woman-runner overtook me really easily and I realised that I probably look like a shuffling bellend. Anyway, I finished the run.

Week 5 awaits. I can’t believe I’ve done 4 weeks of a 9 week program already. In just 5 weeks I’ll be fit enough to never have to exercise again. Meanwhile, here is Dustin Brown. Please respect our privacy at this romantic time.

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